I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
drinking warm bud heavies i found in the garage and googling how to tell the gosselin kids apart.
I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
Using our apartments online floor/space planner to see how many beer pong tables we can fit. Dont think they had this in mind when they put this thing online.
Probably not lol but were fitting as many as possible
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
Randomize
