I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
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