saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
I love how my cats smell like pot.
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
He did a backflip because drugs
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
