I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
I'm going to rape someone's good day.
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
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