Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
Randomize
