so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
it's great music for shaving your balls
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
jump out the window naked night went bad
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Randomize
