I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
I'm naked and wearing a cowbell.i love med school.
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
