Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
walkin around the woods blazed, drawing pictures of trees and plants, i get a grade for this
What can i say, inner beauty is great but it makes a hard picture to jack off to
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
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