I jusy said out loud "gingers unite in the middle of the night"
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
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