Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
Well, it's 24 hours till finals. I need high A's on all of them and I still am not sure where exactly on campus most of my classes took place.
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
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