just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
Would be fun, plus since its in public I'll keep my penis in my pants
I'm going to try to ignore the homoerotic subtext in that last question...
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
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