I'm taking child development now so if you get pregnant i can raise your child no worries
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
Just did ten shots in 8.34 minutes........ Slowly getting over the loss
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
Randomize
