You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
Just finished my law exam. Questions 4-18 seemed to pertain specifically to things we've done this semester.
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
i repeatedly had to ask him if he was into this because he kept talking about random things while i jerked him off. i got annoyed and in order to annoy him back, i told him i wanted to watch him do it. he also talked about basketball WHILE cumming. NEVER AGAIN.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Randomize
