are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
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