there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
He is an equal opportunity slut.
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
Randomize
