i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
How big of a disservice to the economy would we be doing if we didn't drink every day holiday break?
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
