____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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