The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
Oh eartly, In cocy youtu youchv make the wallflowers d tskunks!y, couch protection now,.sryou should feel special !
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
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