Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
Idk if you remember me telling you about him, but I gave him a hj under the stars. Kind of added a little disney aspect to the whole experience.
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
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