i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
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