Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
just so you know, the whole club saw your tits last night. and booed.
just went home with some hot chick. she has posters of the jonas brothers in her room. i basically ran out of the house.
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
You are so lucky you didn't go back to Tate's house. They decided to figure out who had the biggest balls... I was the judge
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize
