I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
Lol what? Monday night impromptu acid drop was the alternative.
SEX BINGO!
Canadian or clown?
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
Randomize
