Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
you win again, gameday.
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
im trying to stop thinking of him and his amazing dick. every time i do i snap myself with a rubber band. classical conditioning at its finest...and you said i wouldnt learn anything from psychology.
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
Why did the sexual harassment class show a clip from frozen?
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
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