Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
Disadvantage of being gay..... my gag reflexes makes trying to make myself throw up extremely difficult.
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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