airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
It took too long for people to come up with things in "never have i ever" so we had to change it to "Don't judge me but.."
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
