I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
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