He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
yea i really dont care about the sex, i just want him to eat my vag. He has to be good at because of his tremors.
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
Randomize
