i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
home. puking in laundry basket.
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
Randomize
