Nevermine. I'm just going to tell you on Myspace with a glitter graphic.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
i get of class at 4. it takes me 17 minutes to walk home and 3 to load a bowl. thank you, priority registration.
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
Randomize
