I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
She is ok w me having sex for money. Just gotta find rich grandmas.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
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