checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
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