doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
Randomize
