guy in front of me on the bus did 12 yrs, hes teling me about how to knife fight
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
Randomize
