please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
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