Leaving terminator. dude in front of us leaving was wearing a baggy micael vick jersey, cargo shorts and brown crocs. God I hate people.
I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize
