Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
I really need to stop carrying a flask around with me in my backpack at school..
Aren't you in 8th grade?
9th, but that's not the point.
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
random boy in my bed. last night wasnt a dream. fuck.
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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