Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
I'm sobbing to NWA
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
There's even glitter on my cock...
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