Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
dude this 15 year old girl saw our youtube vid and just facebook messaged me saying i was verry verry pretty. i have no schemas for how to respond to this situation.
woah 15?
i know! what is this dateline?
i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
Randomize
