I want to take things slow emotionally, but fast physically
I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
Just for once I'd like my first interaction with a new GP to not be an obvious sex injury.
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
Randomize
