this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
I feel more comfortable going down on her then actually kissing her.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
Randomize
