Need sex. Gaining weight.
okay, this game isn't funny anymore. tell us where all the forks are.
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
Randomize
