My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
Actually here it's more "lie around naked in a dark room" weather.
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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