I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
So I feel like I should feel objectified by your comment about my boobs but instead I just feel proud. 21ST CENTURY FEMINISM, BABY
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
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