i think im in love. he told me he doesnt care if i shave down there.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
But theres a keg here and me gusta
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
Randomize
