Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
i think that after ALREADY drinking that much, the tube shots may have been a bad idea.. i mean afterall, i did wake up and find my cell phone IN the bonfire the next morning.
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
I booty called her while she was in labor.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Randomize
