I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
Randomize
