plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
can we please move this conversation out of my vagina?
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
if i drink i'll go into liver failure but ok
totally worth it, dude its $1 pbr
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
Randomize
