Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
Pre-game strategy: play thunder by yourself in the shower. Surprisingly, success.
I just need to know if he's either really genuine about being in my life or being in my vagina.
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
Randomize
