So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
I think we need to have a day of drinking in classes. I know we don't share any, but sacrifices need to be made.
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
Randomize
