My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
Randomize
